Donald Rumsfeld's Iraq Dictionary

Slog (Leek) v. To make agonizingly slow progress, such as a trying to get through a press conference without getting caught in another lie.

Progress (lie-ing-yor-ass-off) n. 1. Moving towards a fixed date, vaguely after the next election sometime. 2. All the news other than the constant failures and attacks you didn't plan on.

Exit Strategy (quayg-mi-er)n. Vague timetable for completion of task, sometime after the next election. See also: Vietnam

Unimportant (fale-yur) adj. Things that cannot be found. See also: Weapons of Mass Destruction, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden

People of Iraq (hall-i-burr-tawn) n. Excuse for remaining in place until oil contracts are secure.

Irrelevant (wine-ing) adj. Countries and organizations that will not blindly do your bidding.

Diplomacy (skrood-up) n. 1. Peaceful and productive interactions between countries, often involving listening rather than demanding. 2. Something not seen since January 2001.

Real Situation in Iraq (un-fare) n. Something damn media keeps reporting on, except for that brilliant FAUX NEWS.

Evil (eks-kews) adj. Dictatorial governments that suppress human rights but do not sell us oil or serve a convenient political purpose.

Strong Leadership (chik-en-hok) adj. 1. What you keep telling people you have in order to cover up your failures. 2. What you keep saying until the next election.

9-11 (Miss-yews) n. 1. Event that can be used to justify wars and political campaigns that have no relation to it. 2. Something Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with, but you keep saying in the same breath as his name anyway.

Truth (Spin) n. ?


Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2003 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

FOX NEWS and Iraq
Up in heaven, famous generals are watching events in Iraq with great interest. Among them are Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great, and Napoleon. After a while Alexander the Great speaks, "Oh if only I'd had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I would easily have conquered India." Frederick the Great nods and says, "And surely if I'd only had one small part of Bush's air force I would have won the Seven Years War in only two days!"

There is a long silence as they continue to watch events unfold, then Napoleon sighs and says, "If only I'd had that FOX News, no one would have ever found out I lost the Russia Campaign."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet.
Copyright 2003 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Weapons of Mass Destruction Found in Iraq
Tikrit - In a surprising and stunning move today, coalition forces discovered massive stockpiles of Saddam's illegal weapons of mass destruction in Northern Iraq. In addition, Saddam Hussein himself was captured, along with many Al-Qaeda operatives, including Osama bin Laden himself and all of Al-Qaeda. The two were apparently found spreading mustard gas on yellow cakes while watching hordes of nubile young christian women drown in vats of anthrax. The raid surpasses even the army's success earlier this week of uncovering mass quantities of weapons of very minor destruction in several locations.
Upon his capture, Saddam declared, "Now my great Jihad is over, and just when I had amassed enough nuclear weapons and missiles to wipe out all of Western civilization on 45 minutes notice. Damn you Bush, you and your superior intelligence and diplomatic skill. All faithful warriors will now surrender to the might of Bush/Cheney '04" Saddam surrendered along with his partner Osama bin Laden just after completing a gay wedding which is legal under Islamic, but not Christian, law. The wedding was attended by Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez and 50,000 Al-Qaeda terrorists, many of them former members of the US Armed Forces.
The details of the raid are sketchy, but as reported by FAUX NEWS, the location was traced through Saddam's phone calls to secret agent Valerie Plame, recently uncovered through the brilliant detective work of someone who is not Karl Rove. Then Dick Cheney was secretly inserted into the compound disguised as a delivery boy for Krispy Kreme, tracked by signals sent by his pacemaker, and a trail of Halliburton shares scattered along the desert.
According to FAUX, pResident Bush then arrived with backup. Looking stunning in his flight suit, pResident Bush flew in on a navy fighter based on an aircraft carrier conveniently based in the Tigris river for the occasion. The operation produced no American casualties and was completely funded by the Bush tax cuts, which miraculously make accumulated bills and debts disappear as well as stimulating the economy to the heights it has experienced these last two years.
An elated pResident Bush stated, "I now declare all combat in the war on terrorism over, completely, totally I mean it this time and I would like to say to our allies, I told you so! It was all part of my plan, just like I wanted it to go all along - honest. And totally worth the 87 Billion needed to get that oil to sheik Hal-Liburtion according to an extended contract we just signed in the name of the Iraqi People, who are now totally free to be unemployed and poor. In your face Chirac! See Daddy, I did it, I really did it!" According to unnamed sources such as, but not actually, Karl Rove, "This was all part of the pResident's brilliant plan since 9-11 to go after the real problem, the man who tried to kill his daddy! It was all worth it."
According to other unnamed sources which are definitely, absolutely not Karl Rove, Yassir Arafat has vowed to surrender and live peacefully under Isreali rule for all eternity. Kim Jong Il has stepped down from office and Iran just signed a huge oil deal with Halliburton. A new and prosperous century has dawned for the entire world under the wise leadership of the Bush/Cheney administration.
In an unrelated story, a new "Axis of Evil" formed by Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the Loch Ness Monster has reportedly attempted to sell America the Brooklyn Bridge.
Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2003 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

___________________________
Mark Hoolihan
Department of Pyrrhic Victories and Squirrel Paratroopers
Michigan State University
___________________________
"It's pretty plain that Bush is the weak part of the team, but certain media types have been giving him special treatment just to get a white male in the white house"
_Rush Limbaugh