Alabama Judge Releases Criminals

Montgomery - Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore announced today that anyone convicted by an Alabama court whose conscience told them they were right could go free. Judge Moore explained, "Look, I'm a judge and I'm defying a court order, I couldn't in good conscience tell other people to obey the courts. That would be a poor example. I've argued for weeks that we shouldn't listen to judges, but to our conscience and G-d's law. Since we all interpret G-d's law differently, we pretty much have lost a moral base for enforcing the law on anyone. Now if this whole charade had been my way of sneaking a radical right-wing version of Christianity into the law, that would be different. But I said before and I'll say it again, I'm only trying to acknowledge G-d in a non-denominational, open-minded way, nothing controversial. But the contradiction was overpowering, so I'm letting the criminals go free."
Supporters of Judge Moore were ecstatic. Said one, "This is what we came here for. The courthouse is no place to enforce laws or judges' decisions. This is about whether you like G-d or not and that's all it's about. All we want is a non-denominational, non-threatening version of some sort of monotheistic religion which preaches hatred towards no one. That's the kind of people we are, not like those bastard Catholics and Jews and Homosexuals and Liberals up in New York City."
In a related news story, Attorney General John Ashcroft has ordered the removal of all nude statues from federal buildings and their replacement with pictures of puppies or babies. In response to a flood of criticism Mr. Ashcroft replied, "This isn't about statues, or my personal version of morality, this is about whether you love puppies and babies. If my critics don't like puppies and babies, then they're just sick individuals. I for one love both puppies and babies and I will stand my ground to defend these puppies and babies. I don't care what anyone says."
Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2003 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush to Send Troops to Arizona

Washington - In response to mounting chaos over the gasoline crisis in Phoenix, the Bush Administration announced operation "Exxon Freedom", the deployment of troops from Fort Hood Texas to the troubled state.
In response to criticism of the plan, the White House announced, "This is not about oil, it's about democracy, order and the rule of law. A swift hand is needed to restore a proper business climate and recall any democratic politicians in the state. Who knows who caused the sabotage to the main pipeline. Bin Laden and Hussein could be hiding out in that desert. Maybe the American people have forgotten about 9-11 and maybe patriotism isn't cool anymore, but not for this pResident. This is not about oil, that oil belongs to the people of Arizona."
It is reported that the Bush administration plans to install an interim government headed by Arizona exile Hal I. Burton to rule the state for the foreseeable future. On a side note, congressional support for the operation was provided by Tom Delay, who inserted an amendment to the bill calling for operation "Abuse of Power" which entails federal troops capturing or killing Texas Democrats in New Mexico during this operation.
Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2003 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

I Love the 40's
The recent success of VH1's pop culture nostalgia series "I Love the 80's" and "I Love the 70's" has spanned a host of imitators for this wildly popular phenomenon. Among the imitators in the works is the History Channel's "I Love the 40's", coming this fall. Below are some recently released promotional excerpts:
"Then Frau Goebels showed up at the Fuhrer's ball wearing the same dress as Eva Braun, what a disaster! Of course she borrowed the matching handbag from Rudolph Hess."

"Remember when we were all dressing up as U-boat crewmen? Why were they so hot, I can't remember now. Of course after Nuremberg I got rid of all my U-boat stuff, but after Das Boot came out I ran to the Goodwill to try to get it all back."

"Come on, 'I was only following orders?' none of us really believed it at the time either."

"You want to talk about war crimes, all that green and black, yech! You know what Robin Williams said about camouflage, 'If you're going to fight, clash!'"

"Mussolini was a poor man's fuhrer. I mean bald really isn't that beautiful babe. And Ethiopia? That's almost as bad as 'attacking' France. At least Franco had a real hairstylist."

"Of course you have a war in France. The weather's nice, the food's great, and they sleep with any army that rolls through. Now Russia on the other hand..."

"I hear the real reason Hess flew to Scotland was he heard about all the men in skirts."

"Sausage and sauerkraut, sausage and sauerkrat, it's a wonder we all weren't as fat as Georing. Why couldn't we have plundered a few recipes while we were in France. Or invaded India for a little spice, like the British did. No, our empire had to be in Russia, sausage and beets, what a change!"

"While of course we all bought the record, I mean it was the thing to do in '42. But you can't really dance to 'Deutschland Uber Alles.' I remember once in this disco in Munich where Georing got on the dance floor, thinking he was Baron Von Trapp. Of course he slipped on some Guacamole Himmler had 'accidentally' spilled. That SS bastard was always stuffing his face."

"The worst was when the Fuhrer decided to start up a boy band to get the ladies interested in the party during the early days. Goebels was the sensitive one, Hess was the cute one, Himmler was the funny one, Von Stauffenberg was the rebellious one, and of course Hitler was the genocidal maniac."


Of course there are other imitations in the works. The History Channel is also doing "I Love the Civil War" "I Love the Gulf War" "I Love Vietnam" and "I Love the Reagan Era Military Buildup". Ken Burns is reputed to be filming "I Love the Enlightenment" for Public television. Fox News is working on "I Love George W. Bush" and MTV is reported to be working on "I Love 2002".

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2003 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

___________________
Mark Hoolihan
Department of Historical re-re-enactment and Potato Camouflage
Michigan State University
___________________
"I said no green M&M's and I meant it"
_Hitler's reported excuse for declaring war on the United States

ANN COULTER, ANN COULTER, ANN COULTER

Oh my, there's ads for Ann Coulter up there. I assure you I had nothing to do with that. Blogger must have scanned my blog and found her name several times in the Ann Coulter parody below. I guess the more times I write Ann Coulter on this site the more likely the computer is to put ads for Ann Coulter up. So here goes:
Ann Coulter is actually a drag queen from Key West who goes by the name of Pudenda Shenanigans. Before changing her name to Ann Coulter, Miss Shenanigans was quite a hit on the club circuit, known for her rousing performances of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" "I Will Survive" and "You Shook Me All Night Long". Originally Miss Shenanigans was Hermanito Castrato, the son of Cuban Exiles. Ann Coulter's bitterness about communism is explained by the fact that her family lost their land and the peasants who worked it in the revolution. Her hatred of feminism and gays stems from her own self loathing and 40 something childless singlehood as a gay man pretending to be a vapid, inane, homophobic neo-fascist. If she were a woman, it would be interesting to know how a childless, unmarried woman with a career can claim to hate "feminism" so much. How exactly would someone like that define "feminism"?
Ann Coulter's writings generally make about as much sense as those of a schizophrenic Hyena on acid, unable to hold a coherent thought. If one could pick out consistent strains in her writing it would amount to this worldview:
Bill Clinton and all democrats and anyone who voted for him (except a few "little old ladies" who were duped) are radical liberals and communists and basically the same thing as terrorists. All bad things that happend to the US in the last fifty years were caused by liberals in league with communists and in support of terrorists and criminals, who they love. There are no enviromental problems, no poverty (only lazy liberals who won't get a job) and civil liberties are just a code word used by liberals protect the terrorists they love (which includes all muslims).
Ann has stated the war on terrorism should include killing "five million muslims and converting the rest to Christianity". She claims McCarthy was right and was brought down by a communist conspiracy. Brains of a dry-roasted peanut, that's what I say. But if Ann Coulter ever wants to admit her true sexual identity, I hope someone will show her a little liberal tolerance.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2003 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Just a little campaign music to help Arnold Schwarzenneger in his campaign.
Why...
...because I can.
Please Vote For Me California
(To the tune of "Dont Cry For Me Argentina")

It will be easy, don't think it strange
When I never explain what I'll do
Cause I still need more press, after all I have done

You don't believe me
All you see is a Terminator
Although that was only an act
I know I can still persuade you

I had to make it happen, to join the race
Couldn't let my career fade away
Living out of the spotlight, only in the tabloids

So I chose Leno
Running around saying nothing that's new
Catch phrases impressing you all
I always expected them to

Chorus:
Please vote for me California
The truth is I have to lead you
All through these wild days
I will talk nonsense
Till you elect me
Without resistance

And as for budgets, and fiscal things
I managed Planet Hollywood
Plus it seems to the world I'm a strong, tough leader

It's all illusion
They're just films not solutions they appear to be
The answer's much simpler you see
I need you and know you love me

Please vote for me California

(Chorus)

Have I said too much
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you
But all you have to do is watch "Conan" to know
That every word is true

(Chorus)


Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2003 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

_______________________
Mark Hoolihan
Department of Hollywood Illusions and Chipmunk Political Advice
Michigan State University
_______________________
"Well, you can never go wrong with an Austrian"
_German political commentator, 1933