As a historian, I wonder what would have happened if they had CNN in WWII.
Why...
...because I can.

(Transcript of Radio Broadcast)
Murrow: This is London. Edward R. Murrow here with our continuing coverage
of 'Crisis in Europe'. Our major story tonight, CNN is so wicked cool. The
major changes in warfare have proven that reporters are just unbelievably
awesome. Our second story is 'The road to Berlin'. We go live to Ernie Pyle
embedded with the 29th infantry division in Normandy.

Pyle: Thank you Edward. The story today was that elements of the 1st and
29th divisions landed on a stretch of beach in Normandy they're
calling 'Omaha'. The most impressive part is that I'm able to report this
live to you.

Murrow: Can you explain why that is so f***ing unbelievable to our listeners
at home.

Pyle: Well Edward, if this were the 100 years war you'd have to wait weeks or
months for my dispatches to get back to you. I'm live here in Normandy. For
security's sake I can't say where, but we're about 20 miles east of the
Cotentin Peninsula.

Murrow: And how is it going, without giving away too many details.

Pyle: Well, Edward, not good. We're only about 100 yards in so far and the
Army has taken heavy casualties. Prepatory bombardment by the 14-inch guns
of the Battleship Texas and a flight of B-26 Marauders have failed to damage
the enemy. We're stranded and under fire from elements of the German 352nd
infantry division. Whatever the Germans are doing here, it's working.
Reports are General Bradley is thinking of pulling troops out of Omaha and
sending them elsewhere if things don't change soon.

Murrow:So do you think the Drive to Berlin is stalled?

Pyle: I wouldn't want to speculate, but yes, it is stalled and the Germans
are unexpectedly fighting back, we may not see Berlin for several more days.
Apparently their bullets do kill Americans, something a lot of analysts
weren't ready for.

Murrow: Thank you Ernie. In other news the invasion of Normandy was launched
on five separate beaches earlier today. The 4th infantry division is to the
West at a place called Utah. In addition, ranger Units are currently
attacking the Pointe-du-Hoc. General Eisenhower commented today that the plan
is on schedule and there was no reason to believe otherwise. Reports coming
in confirm that this is the invasion, the previous belief that the 3rd Army
was to invade the Pas-de-Calais is only a deception, embedded reporters with
the 3rd Army have discovered it just doesn't exist. For an upclose look at
the war effort we now go to Rodger Walters, embedded with the 82nd airborne
division in Normandy.

Walters: Thank you Edward. The big news in Normandy: I'm here, and CNN is so
technologically advanced and definitely the biggest thing to come out of this
war. Eat you heart out you Fox News Wussies. In other news, apparently
there's an airborne invasion going on here. Elements of the 101st and 82nd
airborne have landed behind the Normandy beaches. I can't say precisely
where, but we're currently holed up half a mile to the South of the town of
St. Mere-Eglise. Apparently one unit parachuted into the town and all were
killed. We intend to go in and take pictures soon, which of course we won't
release. At least until the families are notified, then we'll exploit them
like hell. We heard some prisoners were taken by the Germans and are shocked
that images may show up in German papers. After we get over our disgust
we'll send you those pictures to publish. Ooh, we've got our own German
prisoners here, maybe we can get some great pictures of them, which is
completely different.

Murrow: What else of vital importance can you tell us Rodger?

Walters: The troops are using the M1 Carbine, Thompson submachine gun, 62mm
Mortars, and fragmentation grenades. Air support is being provided by Army p-
47 Thunderbolts and the navy has the Cruiser Augusta offshore aiding us with
her 8-inch guns. And I am able to report all this live, I am so getting a
Pulitzer.

Murrow: Have you met with the famed French resistance?

Walters: Yes, he came by earlier today seeking shelter. Seemed a very
pleasant fellow. I still think Rene's a funny name for a guy though. And so
is Guy by the way.

Murrow: Thank you Rodger. We now go live to the British beaches with our BBC
colleague Blair Issawimpe.

Issawimpe: Thank you Edward. The news here is not good. I can't give away
too much info as that could help the enemy. But British forces are stalled
in front of Caen. It was our first day's objective, but it could take weeks
to get there. The German units were facing are tough, much tougher than pre-
war estimates. They were supposed to welcome us as liberating them from
Hitler, but they seem intent on fighting. Whatever they're doing here, it's
holding up the entire British Army.

Murrow: Can you tell us the major difference you're seeing between this war
and the last war?

Issawimpe: Well, I'm reporting to you live. In the last war it could have
taken hours for a telegraph message to be delivered to you. Yes, the big
story from this war is the press is really, really neat.

Murrow: Thank you. Well that's all for tonight's coverage of 'The road to
Berlin'. We'll be back tomorrow night and every night until this campaign is
over. Tomorrow we'll have taped recordings of German radio interviews with
downed American and British Airmen, which of course we find shocking and
exploitive. Good Night.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the hoolinet
Copyright 2003 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

So we want bin Laden, now we're bombing Iraq, and congress is passing anti-French resolutions (renaming french fries and french toast) rather than doing anything useful for the country or the war on terrorism. I can't quite follow the logic. Most of the hijackers were from Saudi Arabia and bin Laden's probably in Pakistan. Who's the enemy? Does congress want us to bomb France and Germany after Iraq? Is the law of percentages on our side, if we keep bombing countries we'll eventually get bin Laden?
There was an old Monty Python skit where the US Air Force bombed the entire world because they wanted to get one man (Mr. Neutron). Is that the Bush administration's theory on getting bin Laden, or have we just forgotten about al-Qaeda since they're too hard to find?

Some excerpts from the soon to be passed Patriot ACT II, following the success
of Patriot Act I, which helped alleviate the long nightmare of civil liberties
for many Americans.

Patriot Act II

Article I
The term CURRENT ADMINISTRATION will henceforth be used to denote the
George W. Bush administration and it's duly supreme court appointed
successors. As "popular vote" has proven an unreliable method for choosing
administrations, all previous administrations (except George H W Bush and
Reagan) do not fall under this term and therefore this act does not apply
retroactively to them, therefore excusing all PATRIOTS from having to be
punished for everything they ever said in the 1990's.

Article II
Section 1
The term PATRIOT will henceforth refer to those whose actions, words,
thoughts and lifestyle are always 100% in line with policies of the CURRENT
ADMINISTRATION. By extension therefore, all those who do not meet these
criteria are to be regarded as TRAITORS and UNAMERICAN, to be deprived of all
rights not already removed by this act and PATRIOT I.
Section 2
In addition, all those born in foreign countries, or posessing skin rated
on a pigmentation level regarded as darker than the paper this act is printed
on, or who order falafel or French wine at restaurants, will also be regarded
as TRAITORS and UNAMERICAN, to be stripped of all rights not already removed
by this act and PATRIOT I.

Article III
All printed and electronic messages that do not meet the criteria of
Article II, Section 1 will be labeled "liberal media". Recognizing that in a
post-Monica Lewinsky world the very term "liberal media" is a joke, the
offending individuals will actually be prosecuted as TRAITORS and UNAMERICAN
pursuant to Artical II, Section I. In addition, all media which can be
regared as more liberal than Rush Limbaugh will be labeled "liberal media" and
all media regarded as to the right on the Limbaugh scale will be labeled
"objective" and therefore PATRIOTIC.

Article IV
All those who in any way deviate from the condisiton set in Article II,
Section 1 will be labeled as TRAITORS and UNAMERICAN. This automatically
strips them of any rights not already taken by this act and PATRIOT I and
subjects them to prosecution without redress, counsel, appeal, human rights,
just cause, or even a semblance of justice or sanity. If they cannot all fit
in a small cell at Guantanamo Bay, the head of Homeland Security has at his
discretion how best to deal with them quietly, or force them to explain the
logic behind any Ann Coulter column.

Article V
Section 1
Under this act, the CURRENT ADMINISTRATION has the right to make war
wherever, whenever it wants, for as long as wants, for any reason it wants,
regardless of "public opinion", international law, wishes of international
community, or common sense.
Section 2
Any foreign country of which any member of the government or population
has expressed opinions different from that of the CURRENT ADMINISTRATION will
be labelled "ungrateful" "irrelevant" "out of touch" "dangerous to the world
and to America, its interests, and its troops." Any food item from this
country will then be banned and/or have its name changed.
Any foreign body which does not automatically agree with any policy of
the CURRENT ADMINISTRATION is to be regarded as "irrelevant" and not worthy of
any consideration.

Article VI
If by any means, in the future, an administration not meeting the
qualifications of the CURRENT ADMINISTRATION comes into being through some
illegal means such as "popular vote" or "will of the people" it is to be
regarded as "illegal" and "unpatriotic. Any dissent from its positions will
therefore be considered PATRIOTIC and "objective".



Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2003 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

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