As a historian, I wonder what would have happened if they had CNN in WWII.
Why...
...because I can.

(Transcript of Radio Broadcast)
Murrow: This is London. Edward R. Murrow here with our continuing coverage
of 'Crisis in Europe'. Our major story tonight, CNN is so wicked cool. The
major changes in warfare have proven that reporters are just unbelievably
awesome. Our second story is 'The road to Berlin'. We go live to Ernie Pyle
embedded with the 29th infantry division in Normandy.

Pyle: Thank you Edward. The story today was that elements of the 1st and
29th divisions landed on a stretch of beach in Normandy they're
calling 'Omaha'. The most impressive part is that I'm able to report this
live to you.

Murrow: Can you explain why that is so f***ing unbelievable to our listeners
at home.

Pyle: Well Edward, if this were the 100 years war you'd have to wait weeks or
months for my dispatches to get back to you. I'm live here in Normandy. For
security's sake I can't say where, but we're about 20 miles east of the
Cotentin Peninsula.

Murrow: And how is it going, without giving away too many details.

Pyle: Well, Edward, not good. We're only about 100 yards in so far and the
Army has taken heavy casualties. Prepatory bombardment by the 14-inch guns
of the Battleship Texas and a flight of B-26 Marauders have failed to damage
the enemy. We're stranded and under fire from elements of the German 352nd
infantry division. Whatever the Germans are doing here, it's working.
Reports are General Bradley is thinking of pulling troops out of Omaha and
sending them elsewhere if things don't change soon.

Murrow:So do you think the Drive to Berlin is stalled?

Pyle: I wouldn't want to speculate, but yes, it is stalled and the Germans
are unexpectedly fighting back, we may not see Berlin for several more days.
Apparently their bullets do kill Americans, something a lot of analysts
weren't ready for.

Murrow: Thank you Ernie. In other news the invasion of Normandy was launched
on five separate beaches earlier today. The 4th infantry division is to the
West at a place called Utah. In addition, ranger Units are currently
attacking the Pointe-du-Hoc. General Eisenhower commented today that the plan
is on schedule and there was no reason to believe otherwise. Reports coming
in confirm that this is the invasion, the previous belief that the 3rd Army
was to invade the Pas-de-Calais is only a deception, embedded reporters with
the 3rd Army have discovered it just doesn't exist. For an upclose look at
the war effort we now go to Rodger Walters, embedded with the 82nd airborne
division in Normandy.

Walters: Thank you Edward. The big news in Normandy: I'm here, and CNN is so
technologically advanced and definitely the biggest thing to come out of this
war. Eat you heart out you Fox News Wussies. In other news, apparently
there's an airborne invasion going on here. Elements of the 101st and 82nd
airborne have landed behind the Normandy beaches. I can't say precisely
where, but we're currently holed up half a mile to the South of the town of
St. Mere-Eglise. Apparently one unit parachuted into the town and all were
killed. We intend to go in and take pictures soon, which of course we won't
release. At least until the families are notified, then we'll exploit them
like hell. We heard some prisoners were taken by the Germans and are shocked
that images may show up in German papers. After we get over our disgust
we'll send you those pictures to publish. Ooh, we've got our own German
prisoners here, maybe we can get some great pictures of them, which is
completely different.

Murrow: What else of vital importance can you tell us Rodger?

Walters: The troops are using the M1 Carbine, Thompson submachine gun, 62mm
Mortars, and fragmentation grenades. Air support is being provided by Army p-
47 Thunderbolts and the navy has the Cruiser Augusta offshore aiding us with
her 8-inch guns. And I am able to report all this live, I am so getting a
Pulitzer.

Murrow: Have you met with the famed French resistance?

Walters: Yes, he came by earlier today seeking shelter. Seemed a very
pleasant fellow. I still think Rene's a funny name for a guy though. And so
is Guy by the way.

Murrow: Thank you Rodger. We now go live to the British beaches with our BBC
colleague Blair Issawimpe.

Issawimpe: Thank you Edward. The news here is not good. I can't give away
too much info as that could help the enemy. But British forces are stalled
in front of Caen. It was our first day's objective, but it could take weeks
to get there. The German units were facing are tough, much tougher than pre-
war estimates. They were supposed to welcome us as liberating them from
Hitler, but they seem intent on fighting. Whatever they're doing here, it's
holding up the entire British Army.

Murrow: Can you tell us the major difference you're seeing between this war
and the last war?

Issawimpe: Well, I'm reporting to you live. In the last war it could have
taken hours for a telegraph message to be delivered to you. Yes, the big
story from this war is the press is really, really neat.

Murrow: Thank you. Well that's all for tonight's coverage of 'The road to
Berlin'. We'll be back tomorrow night and every night until this campaign is
over. Tomorrow we'll have taped recordings of German radio interviews with
downed American and British Airmen, which of course we find shocking and
exploitive. Good Night.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the hoolinet
Copyright 2003 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.