The Wizard War

The terror - when you look back now it was really about the terror. Once we got over our fear the war against the wizards lasted a few months. You remember how scared we all were when He Who Shall Not be Named was on the loose. Sitting around scared waiting for some pimply faced miracle boy to save us wasn't going to do any good, we had to take matters into our own hands.

Once we did our organization, intelligence and technology won the day rather easily. You see a wizard is really a medieval creature, they think they're smart knowing spells and all, but they're bound by ignorance and superstition. Yes you can ward off bullets with a good spell, but spells and wizards wear out quickly. You know what doesn't wear out quickly? A machine gun. Advantage: Humans.

After we figured this out the rest was easy. Ooh a flying broom oh no! Just a slow moving unarmored target that has no concept of the advances in aerial warfare we made in the last 100 years. Invisibility cloak? Medieval throwback designed hundreds of years before thermal imaging sights. Don't even get me started on what happens when you steal or break their little sticks. Wow, you can move through a magical fireplace network? You know what else moves through a fireplace network? VX gas. You don't pull punches when humanity's on the line. I still remember some D&D reject in a silly dress standing on a bridge shouting "you shall not pass!" He wasn't so cocky with a guided missile up his - well you get my meaning.

And their allies - Wizard please! A dragon was pretty scary to a medieval peasant. But it's easy prey for even a hand held heat seaking missile. And a sidewinder - not enough bits left over for dragon jerky. Giants? One bullet in the kneecap, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. A Centaur is the biggest target you ever did see. The Dementors were tough, until we learned they could be blinded by a simple targeting laser.

In the end You Know Who was a paranoid recluse hiding out in some castle in another dimension. It only took one informer to betray the entrance (No, my wand, don't break my wand!) and he was done. Nuclear weapons. Can't see them coming, no spell in the universe protects you. And they thought they were smarter and better. Hundreds of years behind the times. Could make an invisible horse, but couldn't hide from a hand grenade. Why was anyone ever so impressed with wizards in the first place?

God Still Undecided on Election

Washington - With the campaign season well underway, it appears that God, like most republicans is still undecided and prone to changing his mind. This became apparent when yet another Republican candidate came forward and disclosed that the Almighty Creator of the Universe had in fact told him to run for President. The apparent waffling of God's will is causing consternation among pundits and poll watchers alike.

Early in the campaign season it appeared God had chosen a candidate, as Michelle Bachmann announced that God had told her to run, a big endorsement for the Minnesota Congresswoman. Thus it was very confusing for newsmen when Herman Cain announced last week that God had told him to run, promising his support to the newly surging candidate. Stranger still, this week Rick Perry's campaign reported that much earlier God had told him to run for President. Uncomfirmed rumors hinted that Newt Gingrich may also have received an endorsement from above.

FOX News Analyst Ignor Amos commented, "It does appear that there is some indecision on God's part as to which Republican candidate will have his full support. This shouldn't worry people, as God is often a little unclear in his focus during the turbulent primary season, but in the end his will is going to be apparent to all." Still many voters are worried, unsure of who will be the next President as long as God is unwilling to settle on a final choice. One other explanation came from an anonymous angel who said, "Off the record, God is just messing with the Republicans. We all know who he always has and always will support - Mitt Romney."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet. (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2011 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

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Bin Laden: Where's the Death Certificate?

Washington - The reported death of Osama bin Laden has raised a great deal of controversy from the far Right. For the first time, many seem willing to consider outlandish conspiracy theories about the President. The so called "Deather" movement claims that Osama bin Laden is in fact not dead. "Deathers" focus on the failure of the President to release bin Laden's long form death certificate.

"Deather" spokesman Owta Meimeind commented, "Where's the certificate? I'll believe it when I see it. Obviously there's really good evidence to doubt this so-called death and no good reason to believe it. Isn't it a little suspicious that someone who is President and is running for President 'suddenly' captures bin Laden. That's very suspicious, it's like he just ordered all our forces to make it their number one priority to catch our greatest enemy. I've never seen that in a President before."

Donald Trump has promptly dispatched a research team and announced, "The things they've found will blow you away. I can't say what things, but just watch 'The Apprentice.'" The government of Pakistan also refused to believe bin Laden was dead, stating, "We have no idea where he is, but he's certainly not in our country, much less at 5436 Bhutto Lane in that tan Three story with the red roof."

In response the US government released details of the plan, photos of the compound, and the complete DNA sequence of bin Laden. In reply the Deather movement said, "All we want is some proof, why won't our dark skinned Muslim President come clean? Why does he keep hiding the truth. Why do people keep calling us racist?"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2011 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.