Obama is an Elitist

Washington - The tirade over Senator Obama's comments that the poor and unemployed are bitter continued today. Many called the comments "elitist". Here's a random sample of what some Americans had to say:

Hillary Clinton, a multi-millionaire author and policitian from New York had this to say while eating caviar and drinking Dom Perignon, "I can't believe how out of touch with the concerns of ordinary people this guy is. He is definitely not down with us plain ordinary folk. What an overly educated, rich snob. The poor don't need a President who tells them what they think, just ask me and I'll tell you what they think."

John McCain, a wealthy politician from Arizona, spoke of his concern while traveling to one of his vacation homes on a private jet, "This guy is so far removed from the concerns of ordinary people. The poor are not bitter. I know many poor people. All my maids and gardeners swear they are not bitter and unhappy in the least. So I'm much more in touch with the people than Obama, who hardly has any household staff to converse with. What an out of touch elite fool."

George Bush, wealthy oilman and politician, son of a wealthy oilman and politician, added this, "He has no idea of the lives of ordinary Americans. He was raised by a single mother, so right off the bat he's out of touch with those of us who had two parents. No one is bitter in today's economy. I know because all of my friends and family say they are very happy with the way things are, very happy indeed. So you see how out of touch Obama is."

Fawks Nooswatchir, an actual poor person from Pennsylvania, also commented, "No we're not bitter. My husband just got laid off and we have four kids and no health insurance. But we're not bitter, what would we possibly have to be bitter about? I don't want some out of touch politician telling me things have to change. We're quite happy with the way things are. I hope deserving people like the McCains get another tax cut this year. Stay the course!"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd

Bush Says Iraq War Worthwhile

Washington - pResident Bush today gave another ridiculous, Orwellian, completely divorced from reality speech on Iraq. This time he claimed the Iraq war was definitely "worth it." The following are some excerpts from that speech:

"The war in Iraq has definitely been worth all the sacrifices and cost - for me. I have definitely benefitted from all the suffering and hardship this war has created. I got to be a war pResident and call my critics unpatriotic. I got to completely distract people from the fact that I failed to catch bin Laden. Heck, I even distracted them from the fact that all my reasons for going to war were false. I also got to use the war as an excuse to give tax cuts to the rich while racking up huge deficits because of the war. Even I don't follow the logic on that one"

"Of course it's not only me who benefitted. Halliburton and many other corrupt companies have made a fortune 'rebuilding' Iraq despite the fact that it's still a disaster area. We have to take their shareholders into account when we calculate the benefits of this war as well."

"And let's not forget Al Qaeda. In 2002 they were a small scared organization on the run. Because of Iraq they're a growing organization, with new recruits joining up because of this war every day. And because we're stuck in Iraq they're actually regaining ground in Afhanistan. You're welcome bin Laden. I don't know anything better we could have done to screw up the war against terror than invade and occupy a muslim country that had nothing to do with 9-11."

"And of course there's North Korea, Iran, Russia and Venezuela. Having our army stuck in Iraq was a green light to every tinpot dictator out there: make trouble, oppress your own people, get WMDs there's nothing the US can do about it. They heard the call and they're grateful for the opportunity."

"China is another big winner here. With our economy faltering and our debt growing, they've been able to basically take over our financial assets and our future. When we have to grovel to China throughout this century, I hope people remember to thank me for what I did, taking the world's strongest economy and turning it into a beggar."

"Lastly, let's not forget the humor writers. My administration has made so many obvious mistakes here I've given them material for years. From the John Stewarts and the Jay Lenos down to every idiot with a website who thinks they're funny but really isn't. Overall, yes this was worth it,can you imagine a world where none of this was true?"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Random News Commentary for March 2008

Why...
...because I can.

1. China - Last week the Bush administration took China off its list of top human rights violators. This week China is shooting and arresting Tibetans all over the place. Good call Bush!

2. Geraldine Ferarro - She said Barack would not be where he was if he wasn't a black man. This is not only racist, but so stupid Dinesh D'Souza or Bill O'Reilly should have said it. Because there's so many black politicians. And Barack is the third black Senator since reconstruction. Yes, America loves all Black politicians. That's why Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton had such easy roads to the White House. It must be because Obama's black, rather than something about him. That's why Obama was polled as way behind Clinton until two months ago and has mostly been neck and neck with her ever since.

She also said he wouldn't be where he was today if he was a woman. Where is he today? A senator tied pretty closely with his rival for the nomination. Yes, no woman could do that. Nope, can't find any evidence of it. How does the fact that Hillary was the crowned leader last fall and now has been pretty much tied with Obama for months prove she's being discriminated against?

3. Other election news: Mississippi - Obama got the majority of the black vote and Hillary got the majority of the white vote. Basically the same results you would have had 100 years ago - if women or blacks had been allowed to vote. Great progress Mississippi!

4. Bush and Opec - Bush tried to convince Opec to raise production. Apparently this is the only thing he can think of after eight years of being in a position to move on any number of potential solutions to our energy problems. Too bad all that time holding hands with the king of Saudi Arabia didn't work. Apparently they put oil profits ahead of the best interests of America. Wow, how could Bush have seen that coming or understand such a mindset?

5. The American economy - Basically every economic indicator says were headed into a bad recession. But just two weeks ago Bush promised us we weren't headed into a recession. How could the world's greatest economic mind be wrong? Good thing this is his first mistake or I might lose faith in the guy.

6. Cheney in Mideast - Cheney heads to the mideast to meet with leaders in Saudi Arabia and other countries and discuss energy among other things. His national security adviser said he had a "rich agenda." No kidding.

7. Iran - The conservatives won another election hands down, even though most people disagree with their agenda. Wow, that is a totally different system than ours.

8. The Pope - The Pope said it's time for the violence in Iraq to stop. I imagine this call from the leader of the world's largest Christian denomination should end the violence in Iraq momentarily.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Hillary's Experience Empowers Women

Washington - Hillary Clinton's use of her time in the White House in speeches and ads as evidence of her political experience has caused a strong reaction from women everywhere.

Gloria Steinem was one the first to speak out, "This is exactly what we wanted when we founded the feminist movement - for women to gain validity through their husbands experiences. Kudos to Hillary for proving a women's ability to make something of herself - by riding her husband's coat tails."

Laura Bush also spoke out, "I was with my husband for eight years in the white house and as a governor before that so I have almost as much experience as Hillary, I'm totally going to run for President. Seems I'm much more qualified to be in the White House than either Obama or McCain."

Sandy Green of Conneticut, whose husband is an astronaut, recently applied to lead a shuttle mission. "Obviously I've been involved in his life decisions, I've been there listening to him through all this. I must be qualified to command the space shuttle."

Julie Nicholson of Alabama also declared her new found experience, "My husband has been a heart surgeon for 30 years. I'm going to apply to the hospital's surgical team as well. Let's see if any other applicants can top my 30 years of helping my husband make decisions."

This new found discovery of the usefulness of vicarious experience is not only affecting women. Several of Elizabeth Taylor's ex husbands have recently began screening for lead actress roles in movies, citing their experience as great Hollywood actresses.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Republicans Endorse Hillary

Washington - The Republican party, as well as conservative pundits acros the country, have decided to endorse Hillary Clinton as the Democratic candidate they most want to win the nomination. The endorsement came as no surprise to anyone, and reflects strong consensus among Republicans that Hillary is the Democrat they can most easily defeat.

Republican party spokesman Mack E. Ahvelli described his party's position, "We wanted a Democrat who brings out our base, doesn't do well with independents and can easily be demonized by us. We've been preparing to run against her for 16 years, we're ready."

Republican front runner John McCain summed up his strategy, "My biggest weakness is my constant hawkishness on this war and refusal to admit it was a mistake. Most Americans think it was a mistake, so any Democrat with credibility on this issue can wipe the floor with me. Thankfully Hillary supported the war, continued to support it for years, merely criticizing certain details and only in the last year tried to reinvent herself as anti-war. Now some people with short term memories might buy it, but she's got no real leg to stand on, her position hasn't been that different from Bush's for most of this war."

Hillary Clinton accepted the nomination, adding, "I'd like to thank Mr. McCain, who seems to bear more of a resemblance to a goldfish at feeding time as the campaign goes on. I'm ready for this nomination. I will do Republicans proud, by being a lightning rod for their base and failing to win in November. And if by some miracle I do win I promise to continue the war. My record shows that if they call me nasty names I move to the right on any issue. I promise to be as spineless as a stoned jellyfish. I've voted for George Bush's budgets, his wars, his wiretapping and torture and I can be nearly as conservative as you are. And if I'm not, just question my patriotism and I promise we'll be bombing Iran in a week."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

FDA Approves Soylent Green for Human Consumption

Washington - The FDA today declared Soylent Green and all similar products safe for human consumption. The decision was handed down without public debate and very little news coverage.

FDA spokesman Frank N. Fudes described the decision, "We have merely declared Soylent Green fit for human consumption, we haven't actually put it on the market. Therefore there's no need for public debate or a detailed examination of the issues involved by anyone. We're not going to make a big deal out of this, we'll just let a few years go by and without anyone knowing it, Soylent Green will be part of the food supply. That's the best way for this to work."

Following the Bush administration's highly successful strategy of working with industry and getting rid of regulation in favor of "voluntary compliance", big agro-business will quietly introduce Soylent Green into the food supply at a time they choose. Said industry spokesman Apac O. Lippse, "We realized the public might be uneasy with this, so the best thing to do is give them no say in the matter. Foods will not be labeled as to whether they contain Soylent Green or not, this will spare the public a lot of confusion and worry. People can be crazy, it's best to trust uncontrolled industry when it comes to the public health."

The announcement was greated with applause by all parties involved, including big agro-business, big food processing, big biogenetics firms, and politicians who get campaign contributions from all of them. The only dissenting voice was a barely audible shout which sounded vaguely like Charleton Heston.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

I wrote this parody in honor of Espresso Royale, my favorite coffee shop.

Coffee
(To the tune of "Rockstar" by Nickelback.)



I'm through with standing in line
To clubs I'll never get in
It's like it's already finals
And I'm never gonna win
College hasn't turned out
Quite the way I want it to be

(Tell me what you want)

I want some fresh ground beans
From a place I've never been
In a mug that I can do backstrokes in
And a comfy chair big enough
for ten plus me
(So what you need?)

I'll need a caffeine buzz that's got no limit
In a big glass mug with espresso in it
Gonna get my mind working
At thirty times its normal speed

(Been there, done that)

I want a big notebook full of poetry
Gonna be a big writer someday you see
Somewhere between God and
Shakespeare is fine for me

(So how you gonna do it?)


I'm gonna give up drinks that all taste the same
I'll even drink some stuff that I can't name

Chorus:
Cause we all just want to drink good coffee
And sit at tiny tables drinking ground up beans
The buzz comes easy but it isn't cheap
We'll all stay wired cause we just won't sleep
And we'll hang out in the coffee shops
And just trade B.S. with the friends we got
Every wannabe scholar's gonna wind up there
Every burnt out poser with the unwashed hair

Hey, hey, I wanna drink good coffee(2x)

I wanna be smart like Hawking without Lou Gehrig's
Writing articles like academic bigwigs
Gonna get my club card punched
So I can get one drink for free
(I'll have a large mocha, on the house)
I'm gonna dress my ass somewhat out of fashion
Get a big latte that cost a king's ransom
Gonna find a barista
That loves to foam my latte for me
(So how you gonna do it)
I'm gonna give up drinks that all taste the same
I'll even drink some stuff that I can't name
(chorus)

And we'll hide out in the smoking room
With the latest dictionary and and ipod too
They'll serve you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got Juan Valdez on speed dial
Hey, hey, I wanna drink good coffee

I'm gonna drink those beans
That are dark and bolder
Gonna tell my parents to give up Folgers
I'll tell all my friends to spread the word out
Let's tell em no one should touch that Maxwell House
(Chorus)

And we'll hide out in the smoking room
With the latest dictionary and and ipod too
They'll serve you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got Juan Valdez on speed dial
Hey, hey, I wanna drink good coffee
Hey, Hey, I wanna drink good coffee

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.